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The archived documents listed below are but the tip of the "Foolish Chicken" archive. This collection is entirely made up of "Thou Art a Foolish Chicken..." letters that were recieved in some form in the early-mid nineties. In most cases the exact date of the documents are not known, and thus the list is not in order.
04/02/92 - circa 1992
Thou art a foolish chicken who has an anticyclone high pressure area for a brain with a sign on it that says "Don't worry about falling rocks."
Bavarian Llama - circa 1992
Thou art a foolish chicken who has searched the universe trying to find yourself. But you only found the last existing Bavarian llama and made shoes out of him.
Number One - circa 1991
Thou art a foolish chicken who when you sneeze the number 21 comes out of your mouth & chocolate comes out of Uranus.
Thou art a foolish chicken who looks like the lady in the movie Misery.
Thou art a foolish chicken who orbits Uranus upside down while singing Personal Jesus backwards in Swahili and whistling the music through your nose at the same time while showering in water from the Bermuda Triangle and writing the Quadratic formula on your forehead.
Thou art a foolish chicken who carries a briefcase full of liquid Hydrogen mixed with Xenon from the planet Michelangelo where you live with a scruffle* named Joblebber.
Thou art a foolish chicken named Betty Bobler, who eats Fred Flintstone vitamins only for the sake of enjoying eating his penis (which is cherry flavored) - and you think your being inhabited by Bavarian Llama dingle-berries which make you horny and crave orange juice w/syrup in it that screams out The Mother Load when you swallow pulp!
AHHHHHHH! (3rd Period Spanish)
Thou art a foolish chicken who when tapped 3 times on the head screams " MILK, MILK, LEMONADE, AROUND THE CORNER FUDGE IS MADE" backwards while eating the dye from blue pencils hoping to become a smurf and look like Smurfette.
Thou art a foolish chicken who recognizes the importance of aspiring American youth to the pursuit of scientific careers.
Thou art a foolish chicken who eats Betty Bobler vitamins just for the sake of eating... dingleberries?
Thou art a foolish chicken who "gives perms" (for $10.00) & because you like Barney's "trouser trout"
Thou art a foolish chicken who thinks you can go fishing with "einstein" for trouser trout.
Thou art a foolish chicken who fantasizes about sitting on a toliet having gas, and offending the tidy bowl man so that he will reach up out of his bowl and grab your dingle-berries, while singing the tune "Rhapsody in Blue."
Small Paper - circa 1992
Thou art a foolish chicken who owes his life to a Chinese dragon.
Thou art a foolish chicken who played the gold plated Buddha in Buddhist Temple Massacre II.
The Stained Paper - circa 1991
Thou art a foolish chicken who is a sub atomic space crumb with a crouton for a liver.
Thou art a foolish chicken who greatly resembles a one-eyed kitten who lives a dead life in the cornfield.
Thou art a foolish chicken who is a actually a wasp caught in a spider web.
Thou art a foolish chicken who likes to abuse Rahelian Death Syrum and is an addict but is attending rehab where the counselor is a former Rahelian Death Syrum junkie named Jimmie.
Thou art a foolish chicken who lives in the Bermuda Quarangle where you eat your pet Bavarian Llama's dung.
Thou art a foolish chicken who lives in the electronics department of Wal-Mart & you like to scare little boys who pick up big batteries by telling them that they will die if they touch it with both hands.
Thou art a foolish chicken who has a pet manglewurzle that wears Ray Bans.
Thou art a foolish chicken who is an arsenist when he goes to McDonalds.
Thou art a foolish chicken who has the dreaded Vashti disease.
Thou art a foolish chicken who serves as official pooper-scooper for the Flying Burrito Bros. Circus of Bavarian Llamas & Scampian Lizards.
Thou art a foolish chicken who is foolish.
Thou art a foolish chicken who wears earrings made of Bavarian Llama dingleberries.
Thou art a foolish chicken who is at present an unemployed ex-slave who has been severely beaten by your former master a dead civil war hero, you are now trying to speak to classes about learning to be a steam boat captain & life on the river and the dangers of sand bars & rocks.
God save the 3.
Thou art a foolish chicken who is afraid of Uranus.
Thou art a foolish chicken who wears a shirt that says "Eenie-meenie-chili-beanie"
The White Paper - circa 1991
Thou art a foolish chicken who writes like a sea lion who is best friends with the super-animal Flipper, who speaks all languages except for African dialects.
Thou art a foolish chicken who is just plain old foolish.
Thou art a foolish chicken who eats wall hangings fresh out of the refrigerator & covered with prune juice.
Thou art a foolish chicken with hair like the girl called Heather.
Thou art a foolish chicken who has a secret to tell from your electrical well & it is a simple message and you are leaving out the whistles & bells. Now, the room must listen to you filibuster vigilantly whether they want to or not.
Thou art a foolish chicken who hopes that if anything is destroyed it will be replaced.
Thou art a foolish chicken with a rubber band around your beak.
Thou art a foolish chicken who sneezes yellow paper.
Thou art a foolish chicken who has (in a bottle) the ashes of the late great Elvis, James Brown, Jimi Hendrix, Frankenstein & Flipper, oh, and Lassie, Rin-Tin-Tin - Shamu also.
The Yellow Papers - circa 1991
Thou art a foolish chicken whose name is Chicken-liza and you talk about Socrates and the time he had his hair like Elvis did and you put mustard on your Froot Loops cereal every morning while you sing the National Anthem in the shower.
Thou art a foolish chicken who's mouth is falling off of his hand.
Thou art a foolish chicken who has scissor hands & who eats pencils with a shovel & stuff like that.
Thou art a foolish chicken who is going to major in journalism, whose middle name is Van Gogh (first name Wayne) & who draws purple trees with leaves that have chemical formulas written on them.
Thou art a foolish chicken whose life is not in a logical chronological sequence.
Thou art a foolish chicken thou art a foolish chicken thou art a foolish chicken thou art a foolish chicken who sounds like a broken record.
Thou art a foolish chicken who is absolutely terrified of the dreaded Caped Foolish Raccoon because he wants to eat your head off while you are sitting at a desk studying Kentucky and its state fish - the bass.
Thou art a foolish chicken who runs about with his head cut off screaming, "I like mustard of my Froot Loops."
The Vocabulary - circa 1991
- Vindrinian filing cabinet of contamination
- Javerian exploding tar ball
- Levintician bulldozer of dread
- Cobiscian bookmark of time travel
- Mariscanian candle of burnt limbs
- Illfandozian hairball of doom
- Olvidian desk of electrocution
- Mosaiquean rhythm of zombies
- Botellianian label of death
- Cancinian hologram of the jungle
- Tortuvian doorknob of black magic
- Baladian guitar of death
- Mejorian sewer rat
- Zaehnerian Cult of the Supreme Identity
- Envinian teacher of the art of Godmanship
- Concursian hidden cloud of thunder
- Infantanian way of Zen
- Zen (city on Uranus)
- Algunian bird of drugs and alcohol
- Boccacarian overhead of evil
- Tertinium Organium wrecking ball of excitement
- Jupitian podium of sadness
- Survivian warrior of barbarianism
- Rankinian trailer of sadness
- Listician penguin of terror
- Rahelian death needle
- Rahelian syrum of death
- Rothenterian Ghost from hell
- Morecian gypsy king
- Scampian lizard
- Mucenian gypsy king of mutilation
The Long Letter - circa 1991
Thou art a foolish chicken who lives in a bad vibe neutralizing silly putty pyramid pad for fear that a hideous green tomato plant will devour your consentonian bean sprouts of blue auruas that usually produce a crystalline substance called denreugo that is dangerous to a genus of moths called arb-tho-xylo-igma that feed on coupons clipped from newspapers from the planet Zifle that delivered by Bavarian llama that is solar powered who is running from a yrtemo that is actually a deticxed wolf who carries an arjentarian bowling ball of evil & eats ecaepean lemurs for breakfast at exactly 7:30am who are composed of aspartame, tribass & the most deadly substance on Uranus that is mined by small Kangaroo mice & Mexican roaches - Phenylketonuricus that is actually found in runt pigs exactly 5 minutes after birth whose mothers have eaten an excessive amount of salt called parue that is found in aspartame & is extracted by distillation. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want a copy of this & thou art a foolish chicken. One more thing - be careful of the doolobian antelope that lives on Uranus because he likes to eat seirrebelgnid that are from Magee Mass. & are a delicacy on Pluto because of their high nutritional value because they contain nacira which just so happens to be what makes some ink in pens blue & it also just so happens to have an adverse affect on magnolia blooms inhabited by teeny tiny chipmunks that are actually invisible to the human eye byt can be seen only through a yrotian microscope through which they greatly resemble illfandozian hairballs of doom. Of course only 3 exist on Uranus, where they also inhabit mazzinian toothpick factories. Bet ya didn't know we on Earth got our toothpicks from Mazzinia, Uranus. But beware of the Ishag-Dawud-al-Hajj-Mayta-Capec-Yupaniqui-Roca-Topa-Amaru-Quasa-Tito-Syri-Hualpa-Huascar-Viracohian-Khalifar which is a dangerous breed of wild lawyers from outer space who have large bodies & small legs who wears a football helmet & angel wings & carries a death ray in disguise as a watering can that is in your back yard which is actually located in Siberia where large donkeys run around wearing green ties with their best friends that are apples with corn eyes and toothpick limbs that were bought from a Tanzanian hole punching factory where they actually manufacture used history tests on gum wrappers that were purchased from Satan himself. It is the end of the world as we know it.
The End!
...or is it?
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